Recently I
opened an email in which I was asked, "How can I balance
being true to myself while pleasing my partner?" That's what
we all want to know, isn't it?
How can I be in a relationship without compromising who I
AM?
A
relationship is an investment.
In fact, I believe it is the most valuable investment we
will ever make. We are essentially offering up ourselves to
share with another person, believing that by doing so our
life will be better. In order to have something to
invest,
though, we must acquaint ourselves with what we have to
offer someone. This requires knowing who we are, what our
needs are, and who we want to become in our lifetime. No
small task, right?
The
good news is that investing ourselves in a
relationship has many rewards when we invest wisely! By combining our
strengths with our partner's strengths we are
essentially expanding the resources from which we
can both draw as we navigate life. Typically the
strengths we have to offer are complimentary. For
example, one partner may offer spontaneity and fun
while the other provides security and stability.
Sounds good, right? So why does being in a
relationship seem more complicated than that? Well
probably because of a thing called the
Power Struggle.
This is a natural, healthy stage in relationship
development that occurs when each partner works to
establish his own identity within the relationship.
The power struggle begins when differences start to
surface. And herein lies the challenge.
How do I maintain my
independence and personal integrity while being a
good partner?
In
OUTstanding relationships, the question is never,
will I be able to get my
needs met? The question
instead, is, what
needs to happen so that we are both able to get our
needs met without taking away from our relationship?
The difficulty of
course, is determining what exactly your needs are,
(not your wants, mind you - but your needs which
support your highest good!) We must evaluate the
requests made of us by our partners, and determine
when they are in our best interest and when they are
not.
Cindy
thinks her partner is controlling because she wants
her to stop smoking marijuana. Is that controlling?
Or is her partner tending to her most precious
investment: her relationship with Cindy?
Kara says
her partner wants her to open up and share her
feelings more freely. Kara says she resents her
partner's sudden interest in her being more open and
shouldn't have to change who she has always been
just to please her partner. Is Kara exercising
self-care, or is she rejecting her partner's
invitation for her to grow?
Ed says his
partner wants him to stop going to therapy because
therapy is for the weak-minded. Is Ed's partner
making a healthy request, or possibly acting out of
fear for the unknown of what might happen if Ed goes
to therapy?
Often
we confuse our highest high, with our highest good.
Our highest high is that which feels good, at any
cost! Our highest good, is that which moves us
closer to being the person we want to be. In fact,
behaving according to our highest good doesn't
always feel good. Take Kara for example. Because she
is not used to sharing her feelings, it is scary and
very uncomfortable for her to open up. Her fears and
discomfort automatically make her think it's not a
good thing for her to do. However, the pain involved
does not mean it is not in her highest good, it
simply means it is difficult. Just think about
exercise! If we waited for working out to feel good,
we might never run or lift weights! Likewise, just
because something feels good, like smoking marijuana
for example, doesn't mean that we must cling to it
in order to be "true to ourselves."
Knowing the
difference between our highest good and our highest
high is critical! Now in Ed's case, his partner
wants him to stop going to therapy. He has decided
it's time to really explore why he's unhappy.
Therapy is an exercise in self-care for him, and
because doing so does not take away from their
relationship, Ed may have to confront the issue with
his partner as an act of self-care.
Couple's with OUTstanding relationships don't
confuse their partner's healthy requests with
efforts to change or control
- they know that their partner is simply tending to
her most precious investment: the relationship she
shares with you.
What has
your partner asked of you lately? Is this request
something that will ultimately add to your life, or
take away from your life? Is his request in line
with the person you want to be, or does it conflict
with who you want to be? Are you open to your
partner's healthy requests?
Your challenge,
should you choose to accept it is to list the top three
requests that you commonly hear from your partner, friends,
and other loved ones and identify one thing from that list
that you can start doing differently today.
