Articles by Michele
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Coming Out
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Meeting Lesbians
Being a Grown up Gay
Ending Relationships
Beyond Hope (is Action)
Choose Love
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Passion
Loving You Without Leaving Me
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Being a Grown Up Gay/Lesbian
by Michele
O'Mara, LCSW
I never felt married, until I got
married. I got
married twice, in fact, to the same person. The
legal ceremony, if you will, took place in
Canada (no bitterness there, right?)
I
don't have a long history of partners, if
you consider that my
real years
of dating (you know, the ones that are
gender-appropriate) didn't start until I was
21. Until I met Teresa, my Canadian
(no, she's not Canadian, just our marriage
is) wife, I never felt a sense of permanence
about my relationships. With her,
though, it was like I'd always heard... I
just knew.
For
years, like many gay and lesbian people I know,
I made choices that prioritized my family of
origin above my partner. If a choice
was to be made about who I was going to
prioritize (or more specifically,
who I would not risk disappointing)
it was automatically - without even thinking -
my family of origin.
I think
two things about this. My
bT
(before Teresa) relationships were not committed
enough, permanent enough, or certain enough, for
me to feel like it was safe or smart to cut
the apron strings.
When I talk about cutting the
apron strings, I'm talking
about creating a shift from viewing your
family of origin as your "primary
relationship" to viewing your newly created
relationship with your partner as your
primary relationship. This shift
changes the decisions you make from what
is best for my family of origin, to
what is best for my newly created grown-up
family. This transition is often very
painful for parents, and their fears
and disappointment in losing
you may inadvertently cause them to
challenge your decisions, or make cutting
the apron strings more difficult.
The second thing I think about why I delayed
cutting the apron strings in my life is,
I was not
committed enough to myself, or certain
enough in my own skin, to trust that it was
okay, or even acceptable (based on my own
Imago) to cut the apron strings.
Well,
as love would have it, Teresa came equipped with
her own pair of scissors. What initially
felt to me like a serious design flaw in our
relationship ("how," I would ask myself, "can
she not see how important my family is to me?")
has become a most important gift. If you
haven't noticed this yourself, our relationships
are full of these kinds of gifts, that are
initially disguised as serious character flaws
in our partners.
With these scissors, she helped me see that
this was not a situation where I am choosing
"either my family of origin, or her" rather,
it is about knowing how to prioritize my
adult relationships - just like my parents
had to do to build their family, and their
parents before them, and on.
In this process I discovered the
difference between the family in which I
am a child, and the family in which I am
an adult.
This difference is key to understanding
the importance of "growing-up" in our
adult relationships. To be
responsible to ourselves, our future,
and our relationship, we must be sure
that we nurture connections that will
sustain us into the years we continue to
live after our parent's are no longer
alive.
Grown-up relationship boundaries mean that
each partner in the relationship promises to
protect the relationship from anything that
does not offer to improve the physical or
emotional health of each partner, or the
intimacy of the relationship.
In order for us to establish and respect
these boundaries, we must internalize the
importance and validity of them. And
we must expect those around us to respect
our adult relationships as much as their
own. We only risk
"disappointing" our family of origin if they
do not respect or value the new relationship
that we have made.
Fortunately, this has not been true for
most of the members of our family, but
it is certainly true of many gay and
lesbian families. We have much to learn
from our heterosexual brothers and
sisters on this issue. It is expected
in our culture for heterosexuals to
marry, create their own families, and
make decisions in the best interest of
their new families. It stands to reason
then, if we wish for this to become the
norm in our relationships too, then we
must step into the belief that it is
not only okay, but it is essential to
the health of our relationships.
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