Change is scary, even when it is
necessary and good.
Relationships are like vehicles.
They are designed to help us get
where we want to go in life. In
fact, I believe relationships are
designed to help us become the best
version of our self possible. The
catch, though, is that we must know
where it is we want to go, and what
the "best version" of our self is,
if we expect our relationship to
help us get there in life.
I wanted Blue to take me to work.
She didn't want to. Or maybe she
just couldn't. Either way, I wasn't
getting to work on time.
Imagine an empty bucket sitting
between you and your partner. What
you can expect to get from your
relationship correlates directly to
what is given - by you, and by your
partner. Our relationships are the
sum-total of the energy, resources,
and time devoted by each partner.
Your relationship can be defined by
the tangible, and intangible
contributions that each partner
makes to this bucket. The contents
of this bucket become your
relationship. If one of you is
passionate, you'll have passion to
withdrawal from your relationship.
If one of you is fun and
spontaneous, you'll have good times
to withdrawal from your
relationship. You can not, however,
count on getting anything from your
relationship that one of you is not
giving.
I changed Blue's oil. I washed her
tin and plastic. I tried fixing
this and that and it didn't seem to
matter, something else would
inevitably go wrong.
When it comes to working on our
relationships, we are all affected
by two things: who is doing the
work and how much work must be done.
1. WHO is doing the work?
Some relationships feel like more
work to one partner than they do to
the other because THEY ARE MORE WORK
for one partner. If you are THAT
partner, it is time to get in touch
with how you allowed yourself to be
THAT person.
Before you conclude too quickly that
you are, indeed, doing all of the
work, consider both the tangible,
and intangible aspects of
maintaining a relationship. For
example, who is brining up emotional
conversations and doing the work of
keeping you intimately connected?
Who is insuring that you are
connected to the outside world by
creating social plans and
maintaining friendships? Who is
making sure the house is clean? Who
is paying the bills? Which of you is
able to be playful and carefree,
giving your relationship humor and
fun? Who takes care of
the dogs? Who is mowing the lawn
and maintaining the cars? Who is
initiating physical intimacy? Who
is celebrating birthdays and
anniversaries?
Do not be surprised if you are not
getting from your relationship what
neither of you is giving!
2. How much work must be done?
It will not help to exit a
relationship that feels like "too
much work," if the work needing to
be done is related to your self.
Like attracts like. A person with
lots of emotional issues is likely
to attract another person with
similar levels (though different
actual issues) of emotional
challenges. So if one partner is
emotionally challenged with
depression, anxiety, anger, or
addiction, for example, the other
partner may be equally challenged
with issues of care-taking and
self-neglect. Though different, the
issues can - and usually are -
equally debilitating to each
partner, and to the relationship.
Whether you are partnered or not,
you will still need to address the
issues you have with your self, be
that your depression or your issues
with care-taking. The greater
the un-addressed childhood hurts,
traumas, mental health challenges,
or other issues that one or both
both partners has, the more work
that is required to keep a
relationship going.
If I responded to Blue by refusing
to change her oil, I would never get
anywhere. When I hurt or neglect
her, I hurt and neglect myself. The
same is true in our relationships.
Sometimes, however, we do discover
that in our efforts to grow, our
partner is not willing, and can, at
times, become an obstacle to our
personal growth. I find that rarely
this is the case, though - it is
our own issues from which we usually
seek to run. If, however, your
relationship does become an
insurmountable obstacle to your
personal growth, it will become
abundantly clear to you the
healthier you become.
Blue became an obstacle to my
getting to work on time. Work was
central to my survival. I did what
I could and accepted that the only
power I had left to improve my
situation was to rely on another
form of transportation. And so I
did.
Relationships are more intricate
than cars. They are sometimes more
reliable, sometimes less. Though
always, we are left with the same
task of doing our very best and
taking ownership for our part in
what is not working, and continually
striving to make the next best
decision for our self, and for our
life.
I once knew a girl like Blue.
Luckily, I didn't marry her.