I pulled some eggs from the refrigerator the other day
with plans to use one - and on a whim I checked the
expiration date. Low and behold, they had expired. I
never think about eggs expiring.
When I got to work, I was reminded by a mailer that my
subscription to "Simple" - a favorite magazine of mine,
had also expired. I called in to renew it and go
figure!, my credit card had expired. So on my way home,
I stopped by the store to buy more eggs and I pulled out
my check book to write a check since my credit card had
expired. After obtaining my driver's license, the clerk
looked at it long and hard before saying, "uh, Ma'am,
your license has expired." (To which I said, "Please
dont' call me ma'm - I'm much too young for that!) And
on the way home, I glanced up at the little sticky stuck
in top left corner of my windshield and
what-do-you-know? uh-huh, expired! Even my oil expired.
Does everything expire? Eggs do, credit cards do,
driver's licenses do, subscriptions do, even oil does.
Does love expire? I think we all fear that
perhaps it does. How do we keep love alive in a world of
expiration?
Renewal! That's how. Who ever created the concept of
expiration (even humans expire!) was on to something.
You see, what expires, can also be renewed. In
most cases, expiration invites renewal - and in some
cases we even have a choice about whether or not to
renew.
Contracts usually have a beginning and an end. Anyone
who has ever mortgaged a house, car, boat, or property
knows that eventually, on one glorious day your contract
really will expire upon completion of the final payment.
But what about the contract of marriage, or in
same-sex relationships, the "non-legal" agreement of a
life-time relationship? How come these are NOT set up to
expire?
Imagine a society that requires all couples (regardless
of sexual orientation) to create relationship agreements
that are time-limited with the option to renew. Say for
example that all relationship contracts are created on
the premise of a "lifetime intent" broken into
increments of time (that the couple decides for
themselves) where each partner has to renew their
commitment to the relationship.
For example, imagine if every fifth anniversary you
celebrate, each of you is responsible for re-committing
to your relationship. During this time, each partner
spends time really contemplating what works and doesn't
work, and considers whether or not this relationship is
serving as a vehicle to personal growth or a commitment
that does not encourage your greatness. Imagine actually
evaluating the costs and benefits of your relationship
every five years and making a conscious decision about
whether or not you want to continue it. If your
relationship is like mine is to my drivers license, my
oil in my car and my credit card then it is a no-brainer
- you renew it! If however, your relationship is spoiled
like my eggs, you may decide at that point that the
relationship is over.
How do you think your behavior would change if your
relationship was up for renewal every five years?
Would you spend the entire term on your best behavior,
looking for ways to improve yourself and your
relationship so that your odds of renwal are greater? Or
would you spend the five years looking at all of the
ways you feel like your relationship doesn't offer you
what you want?
Though I don't actually encourage the option
to opt-out of a relationship every five years (that's
really too easy) I do see the merit in conscious renewal
on a regular basis. Renewal means to me that we are
consciously choosing what we already have and committing
to it by choice. Some of the immediate benefits that
come to mind are:
- Both partners choose to be where they are and
don't succumb to a role of "victim" to, or in, the
relationship
- Each partner has increased pressure (the five
year review!) to be as good of a partner as possible
- Renewing requires us to take responsibility for
who we are and what we want - we can't hide behind a
"commitment" and play victim to a relationship we'd
rather not be in - because every five years we are
actively choosing to be there!
- Separation would be unnecessary and not seen as
a failure, instead it would be a shared decision
that results from the behaviors of both partners
- We are less inclined to slack off with self care
if we know we have to continue to be a good partner
to keep our relationship
Again, my example of the five-year expiration plan is to
highlight the value of conscious, intentional
decision-making, not an easy-out. I think so often we
get consumed by what our relationship does or does not
offer us, when in fact, we need to spend as much time
reflecting on what we do or do not offer our
relationship!
