Consciously
Seeking Happiness
Are
you happy? For some the question is irrelevant
because happiness is not a goal. If it is your goal
to be happy, then consider these thoughts on happiness.
1.
Happiness is possible. Somewhere
along the way we have come to see happiness as a sort of
lofty goal, something almost unattainable. Instead
of focusing on how to achieve happiness, many people
direct their efforts toward avoiding unhappiness. Insuring
that we are not unhappy does not insure happiness. The
two are different. To achieve happiness, we must
first believe that it is possible.
2.
Happiness is personal.
Happiness to one person is not necessarily happiness
to another. Therefore, it is essential that we define, for
ourselves, what makes us happy. For me, happiness is
- a
feeling of acceptance and calm about who I am and the
relationships which help define me
- creativity,
a sense of aliveness and of being real
- a
fundamental belief that I am good and the world around
me is good
- believing
that I have a place in this world; a place that
welcomes me and celebrates what I have to offer
- believing
that who I am right now is exactly who I want to be -
that I am just as I need to be
- knowing
that there is beauty in the imperfections of who I am
- the
ability to enjoy and celebrate what each day brings
- being
able to wake up with a sense of wonder about the
unfolding of yet another day
- love
and a sense of connectedness to others; be it
strangers, friends or my partner
- believing
that in the absence of answers I can live the
questions
- knowing
that there is nothing wrong with my truths
- knowing
that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, the
things I think, or the things in which I believe
The creation of happiness is a process which occurs slowly
as we become more aware of who it is we want to be. Can
you define what makes you happy? Use as much detail
as possible so that you can visualize yourself in a state
of happiness. Finish the statement
"happiness to me is..." as many times as you can
and see what you find when you look for happiness.
3.
Happiness is not an event, it is a state of being. Many
different things can create moments of happiness. But
moments are transient. Happiness is more permanent and
enduring. Happiness is a part of who I am and who I
want to be. To understand this, consider the
reverse: Depression. Many people in our society are
dealing with a very real condition called depression.
Depression is a state of being where our emotions
are depressed and leave us feeling tired, unmotivated,
sad, hopeless, and even helpless. This is a very
real condition that for some requires medicinal
assistance. The condition, "Depression,"
however, is very different than a moment of feeling
"depressed." One can be
"depressed" for a short period of time without
having the condition, depression. Happiness works in
much the same way. We can feel happy for a moment
that is temporary in nature. We can experience a
happy time or event, but this does not become a condition
of happiness, or a state of happiness - it is a passing
feeling of happiness. Also similar to depression, we
can experience a "state of happiness" that is
interrupted by a moment of sadness, hurt, anger or fear.
The question becomes, does being happy interrupt
your normal state of non-happiness; or does being
sad, hurt, angry, or afraid interrupt your normal state of
being happy?
4.
Happiness comes from that which we can control.
When we seek to find happiness through events or
activities external to ourselves, we surrender our control
over our happiness. Activities like sex, gambling,
drinking/drugs, dating, and working are all essentially
unpredictable and out of our control. The outcome of
these activities is ultimately out of our control. When
we seek happiness in things over which we have no control,
we risk never achieving it. When our happiness is
based on the outcome of something external to ourselves we
are not in charge of our own happiness. Our happiness
becomes a gamble for which we have no guarantees.
5.
Happiness comes from inside. The
search for true happiness can not be achieved externally.
If our happiness revolves around the way we look,
the car we drive, the home in which we live, or the type
of job and income we have then our happiness is as variant
as the weather and as fragile as a split-end. When
we source our happiness from material items, from style,
status or hype, we compromise our potential for happiness.
A nice car, job, income, wardrobe and home can,
however, augment or enhance our happiness. These
luxuries, though, do not ensure happiness.
6.
Happiness is a gift that requires hard work.
Expecting happiness is not enough to create
happiness. (Although expecting to not experience
happiness is enough to prevent it from existing!) It
seems very few people achieve a state of happiness as
their norm. Why is this? Happiness takes
effort. The belief that we are entitled to happiness
is misleading. Happiness is the result of knowing
what you want, and working hard to achieve this. Many
people spend little time reflecting on the essence of what
they really want. It's easy to consider our wants on
a surface level. To say, "I want a nice car and
a speed boat" is just a starting place when we
consider what we really want. A nice car may
actually mean, "I want respect. I want to be noticed.
I want comfort. I want speed and power." Or
it may mean "I want others to notice my
accomplishments and admire me." Or it may mean,
"I want a date with so-and-so and my chances are
better if I drive that car than the one I have."
Few people spend time identifying what it is they
REALLY want, and yet become very disappointed when they
realize they don't have it.
Have you ever wanted something really badly and then
shortly after you got it you seemed to have little regard
for it or interest in it? Chances are, what you wanted was
what you thought the "something" would bring you
(such as comfort, security, status, attention, etc); and
when it didn't, that "something" became less
desirable.
7.
Happiness breeds happiness.
Creating happiness is easier when our environments
allow for happiness. You've heard the saying,
"misery loves company," well so does happiness.
There are certain environments which challenge one's
ability to feel a sense of happiness. Happiness can be
threatening to others. Do not apologize for feeling
good. Put yourself in situations that respect and
support your desire for happiness. Identify barriers
to your happiness such as people who criticize you, or who
belittle and take advantage of you. As you
"cleanup" your environment, and begin to rid
yourself of situations and relationships that prevent your
happiness, you will find it easier to maintain a sense of
joy.
8.
Teach others how to treat you. Much
of our lives are spent interacting with others. In
every interaction we have with someone, we teach others
how to treat us. How we care for ourselves sets the
standard for how we expect others to care for us. This
"teaching" is often done on an unconscious level
for most people. If we approach people with a sense
of shame or apology for who we are, then we give others
permission to reject or shame us. If we consistently
focus on others at the expense of ourselves, then we teach
others that our needs are not as important as theirs.
If we allow others to take advantage of us, then we
teach them that it is okay. Think about the people
in your life that you respect and admire. What have
they taught you about how to treat them? Think about
the people in your life whom you do not respect. What
have they taught you about how to treat them? Examine
how you treat yourself. If you do not treat yourself
with respect, how can you teach others to do for you what
you are unwilling to do for yourself?
9.
Believe that happiness is desirable.
There is so much sadness, hurt, and pain in our
world that it seems unfair at times to focus on personal
happiness. We have been conditioned to believe that
it is selfish to concern ourselves with how we feel, and
whether or not we are happy. We are taught to "grin
and bear it." We are taught to "pay our
dues," to "suffer through it," to "get
by." Who set these limiting standards for us?
The assumption seems to be that in order to be a good
person we are to focus on the needs of others at the
expense of ourselves! I am unsure how we arrived at
the conclusion that we can't do both, simultaneously!
Who are we to not be happy?
10.
Appreciate happiness when it arrives.
When you feel a moment of happiness, even if it is
temporary, recognize and appreciate this feeling. Invite
this feeling back, make sure this feeling of happiness is
respected and welcome. As this feeling begins to
occur more often, you just may be able to string together
all of your moments of happiness to create a condition:
Happiness.
©Michele
O’Mara, LCSW, 2000