On a sunny Saturday afternoon, Amy arrived
ten minutes before her partner, Barbara, for
their couple's session. While waiting for
Barbara, Amy tells me "I don't think I love
her anymore." She explains, "there's no
spark, no excitement left." Then come the
familiar words I've heard a hundred times
before..."She feels more like a friend than
a lover."
And the band begins to play... You never
close your eyes Anymore when I kiss your
lips. And there's no tenderness Like before
in your fingertips. You're trying hard not
to show it, (baby). But baby, baby I know
it...You've lost that lovin' feeling, whooah
that lovin' feeling
Okay, back to reality. Have I ever mentioned
that love is a VERB? Though it
is much easier to view love as this thing
that we either have or don't have, it's
actually an experience that we either
create, or we don't. Love is the result
of action. Hence the term, "Making
Love!"
The degree to which we feel love is
determined by the degree to which we behave
in loving ways.Love is actually much
more than just a feeling. Love is the
outcome of actually doing something loving.
In order to express love, we must first
possess love. We've all heard the old
saying, "You must love yourself before you
can love another." This makes sense if you
consider that in order to give anything, we
must have it to give.
When we lose that lovin' feeling,
chances are we've lost sight of our own
lovin' behavior! I asked Amy, "When
is the last time you have behaved toward
Barbara like a lover and not just a friend?
The last time you interacted with her in a
loving, passionate way?" "Hmmmm," she
replied, "But I don't FEEL loving, so how am
I supposed to BE loving?" Then Amy asks,
"Isn't that like lying - to show love when I
don't feel loving?" To this I say, "Amy If
you possess the desire to love Barbara - to
continue being in love with her, but you
have lost that 'lovin' feeling' that you
used to have then it is not a lie for you
to behave in accordance with your wants."
I continue, "Is it a lie to work out if you
don't FEEL like exercising?"
Quickly she replies, "If I waited until I
wanted to workout I might never
work out!"
With a heavy sigh, she says, "Okay, I get
where you're going with this, I don't
have to feel loving to be loving, I
just have to want to be loving and know that
being loving is the right thing to do if I
want our relationship to work." I say,
"That's exactly right." And I added, "If you
behave in loving ways, regardless of how you
feel, you will likely begin to feel more
loving. The best way to get what we want, be
that kindness, love, passion, excitement...
is to give it."
Think about all of the things you do
throughout the day that you do because they
need to be done in order for you to get what
you want. The simple things like brushing
our teeth so they won't fall out, putting
gas in our cars so we can get from point "a"
to point "b," doing laundry so we have clean
clothes to wear. The list is endless. We do
many things we don't FEEL like doing because
in the end we want the reward we'll receive
by doing so. To be sure I am clear, I
explain to Amy, "If, on the other hand, you
MAKE THE CHOICE to stop loving, or you have
decided you don't want to love Barbara
anymore, that is a different story. That is
a choice to NOT love."
Loving someone is a choice.
Who we find attractive is not - that happens
with or without our consent! I think most of
us have been attracted to someone at some
point about whom in retrospect we wonder,
"What was I thinking!?" What we do with our
attractions is up to us. The attraction is
not the issue - it's how we respond to it.
This is an important concept for folks who
are tempted to have affairs. Developing an
attraction is not the actual "problem" - it
is the choices you make around that
attraction, but that's another newsletter!
Love does not take care of itself. We
take care of love. If you have recently
fallen in love, do not fool yourself into
believing that it will continue to
self-renew without your input and work. If
you have recently fallen out of love, do not
fool yourself into believing that you will
find another love that will self- renew.
When we take responsibility for the love
that we feel (by creating it ourselves!) we
can create endless amounts of love. Love
truly is an endless resource that can be
generated in the blink of an eye -
literally. [wink]
When Barbara arrived she greeted Amy with a
hug and apologized for being late. Barbara
smiled at Amy with a hopeful look, and as we
walked back to my office I heard Amy whisper
to Barbara, "You look beautiful today."
Genuinely surprised, (as was I!) Barbara
responded simply with, "I love you." Though
this is just the beginning, I smiled a quiet
smile. For in that moment, Love was in the
Air - and when we string enough of those
moments together, we can get love back in
our life and in our hearts.
My parting thought is this: Love is
not something that we have, it's something
that we are. Be love!
If you are partnered, I encourage you to
consciously behave in at least
one loving way toward your partner every
day. This could be as simple as greeting him
or her with a smile and a big welcome kiss
and hug when she comes home. Or it could be
as involved as writing a long letter to her
explaining all of the reasons you love her.
If you want to spice it up with a little
more passion and romance, by all means do!