On a sunny Saturday afternoon, Amy arrived ten minutes before
her partner, Barbara, for their couple's session. While waiting
for Barbara, Amy tells me "I don't think I love her
anymore." She explains, "there's no spark, no
excitement left." Then come the familiar words I've heard a
hundred times before..."She feels more like a friend than a
And the band begins to play... You never close your eyes
Anymore when I kiss your lips. And there's no tenderness Like
before in your fingertips. You're trying hard not to show it,
(baby). But baby, baby I know it...You've lost that lovin'
feeling, whooah that lovin' feeling
Okay, back to reality. Have I ever mentioned that love
is a VERB? Though it is much easier to view love as this
thing that we either have or don't have, it's actually an
experience that we either create, or we don't. Love is the
result of action. Hence the term, "Making
The degree to which we feel love is determined by the
degree to which we behave in loving ways.Love is actually
much more than just a feeling. Love is the outcome of actually
doing something loving. In order to express love, we must first
possess love. We've all heard the old saying, "You must
love yourself before you can love another." This makes
sense if you consider that in order to give anything, we must
have it to give.
When we lose that lovin' feeling, chances are we've
lost sight of our own lovin' behavior! I asked Amy,
"When is the last time you have behaved toward Barbara like
a lover and not just a friend? The last time you interacted with
her in a loving, passionate way?" "Hmmmm," she
replied, "But I don't FEEL loving, so how am I supposed to
BE loving?" Then Amy asks, "Isn't that like lying - to
show love when I don't feel loving?" To this I say,
"Amy If you possess the desire to love Barbara - to
continue being in love with her, but you have lost that 'lovin'
feeling' that you used to have then it is not a lie for you
to behave in accordance with your wants." I continue,
"Is it a lie to work out if you don't FEEL
like exercising?" Quickly she replies, "If I waited
until I wanted to workout I might never work
With a heavy sigh, she says, "Okay, I get where you're
going with this, I don't have to feel loving to be loving,
I just have to want to be loving and know that being loving is
the right thing to do if I want our relationship to work."
I say, "That's exactly right." And I added, "If
you behave in loving ways, regardless of how you feel, you will
likely begin to feel more loving. The best way to get what we
want, be that kindness, love, passion, excitement... is to give
Think about all of the things you do throughout the day that
you do because they need to be done in order for you to get what
you want. The simple things like brushing our teeth so they
won't fall out, putting gas in our cars so we can get from point
"a" to point "b," doing laundry so we have
clean clothes to wear. The list is endless. We do many things we
don't FEEL like doing because in the end we want the reward
we'll receive by doing so. To be sure I am clear, I explain to
Amy, "If, on the other hand, you MAKE THE CHOICE to stop
loving, or you have decided you don't want to love Barbara
anymore, that is a different story. That is a choice to NOT
Loving someone is a choice. Who we find
attractive is not - that happens with or without our consent! I
think most of us have been attracted to someone at some point
about whom in retrospect we wonder, "What was I
thinking!?" What we do with our attractions is up to us.
The attraction is not the issue - it's how we respond to it.
This is an important concept for folks who are tempted to have
affairs. Developing an attraction is not the actual
"problem" - it is the choices you make around that
attraction, but that's another newsletter!
Love does not take care of itself. We take care of love.
If you have recently fallen in love, do not fool yourself into
believing that it will continue to self-renew without your input
and work. If you have recently fallen out of love, do not fool
yourself into believing that you will find another love that
will self- renew. When we take responsibility for the love that
we feel (by creating it ourselves!) we can create endless
amounts of love. Love truly is an endless resource that can
be generated in the blink of an eye - literally. [wink]
When Barbara arrived she greeted Amy with a hug and
apologized for being late. Barbara smiled at Amy with a hopeful
look, and as we walked back to my office I heard Amy whisper to
Barbara, "You look beautiful today." Genuinely
surprised, (as was I!) Barbara responded simply with, "I
love you." Though this is just the beginning, I smiled a
quiet smile. For in that moment, Love was in the Air - and when
we string enough of those moments together, we can get love back
in our life and in our hearts.
My parting thought is this: Love is not something that
we have, it's something that we are. Be love!
you are partnered, I encourage you to consciously
behave in at least one loving way toward your partner every day.
This could be as simple as greeting him or her with a smile and
a big welcome kiss and hug when she comes home. Or it could be
as involved as writing a long letter to her explaining all of
the reasons you love her. If you want to spice it up with a
little more passion and romance, by all means do!
For those of you considering doing The Weekend, here are some
additional comments made by participants from last Weekend!
Quoted directly from the feedback forms, this is what they
had to say:
"It's a wonderful way to learn practical strategies for
improving your relationship, and to develop confidence that you
will be able to use these techniques because of the conceptual
framework Michele presents and the thoughtful exercises that
help you look at yourself."
The singles workshop is filling up! Sign up now for the
Saturday - July 9th, Singles workshop (3:00pm- 9:30pm)!
For More Information about The Single's Workshop click